Wham Slam, Thank You Ma’am!

WALES LOVES A COMEBACK

Those non-Welsh readers out there will forgive this post for its unashamedly fire-scorched slant. It’s one of those times when any thoughts of being impartial go out of the window and national pride has reached a crescendo. In fact, it’s the sort of pride that erases a year of misery with one kick of an abnormally tall winger’s heels.

This was Wales’s finest hour because of the ferocity of the criticism they’ve received (rightly or wrongly) since last year’s Grand Slam. It’s unreasonable that we should change our entire perception on the basis of one match, but that’s part of the mystique of Wales versus England. Emotion gets the better of us all. Now it is Wales who are ready to take on the world, while England are asking themselves where it all went so wrong.

The reasons behind Wales’s three previous Grand Slams Wales were quantifiable. 2005 came on the back of some nerve-wrackingly close encounters with South Africa (38-36) and the All Blacks (25-26) in the autumn of 2004, which buoyed a Wales team that until then had no experience of parity with southern hemisphere sides. 2008 saw the introduction of coaching dream team Warren Gatland and Shaun Edwards, which galvanised a lethargic Welsh set-up. 2012 was only ever going to be a riposte to the heartbreak of the previous year’s captivating World Cup effort.

With the momentum Wales carried throughout the deciding Six Nations match of 2013, you began to wish that they’d be taking on the All Blacks the following weekend. Form is a fluctuating thing –just ask England– but this is something Wales need to maintain to ensure they never go on a losing streak in the manner in which they suffered during the autumn (and for those dreadful 40-odd minutes against Ireland in February).

Prior to Saturday’s unforgettable victory, where a stunning defence was complemented by some rapier attacking work, I wrote that Wales had a stand-out ‘big match player’ in Mike Phillips. Well, on this occasion they had 22. To single any individual out among them would be unfair: they were all vital to the anatomy of the pounding Welsh heart. Players like scrum-half Lloyd Williams and centre Scott Williams would make the starting line-up of almost every other international team in the world: it just so happens that the men whose necks they are breathing down happen to be some of the finest Wales has ever had the privilege of fielding.

England’s Chris Ashton, under the cosh for his supposed defensive frailties, had said following the French match (during which the superlative centre Wesley Fofana evaded the northerner twice on his way to the try-line): “This [criticism] is new for me. I don’t know where all this defence stuff has come from.” After seeing the way he set himself up for the tackle against George North –and was promptly dismissed in the easiest of fashions– he might now have some idea.

Even Owen Farrell, the fly-half who prides himself on his fierce tackling, was carried metres back by a Sam Warburton fend, the Welsh flanker’s surge upfield culminating in one of two immaculate finishes by Alex Cuthbert, thanks in no small part to the regal Justin Tipuric. It was not a good day to be an English rugby player. It was a heavenly day for Welshmen the world over.

* * *

BAD FORM

It is disappointing to say the least that the England coaching staff are publicly complaining about Steve Walsh’s refereeing decisions. They don’t expect a retroactive judgement that will erase a 30-3 scoreline, so it must be that they’re hoping for some changes in refereeing standards (we’re looking at you, Graham Rowntree, above). While most would be loath to endorse anything said by Piers Morgan, the non-English twitterati were quick to highlight his tweet that read: “Got to laugh at England rugby fans blaming the ref for a 30-3 scoreline. Try blaming vastly superior Welsh rugby….” (Needless to say, we had long forgotten his tweet ordering Welsh footballers to sing ‘God Save the Queen’ during the Olympics.)

Unsurprisingly, it was an exclamatory tweet from rugby legend Lawrence Dallaglio that spoke volumes: “Well I got that totally wrong! Wales were exceptionally good today! Well deserved! Same pattern as the Old Wasps funnily enough!” Dallaglio was, of course, referring to the strong connection between the Welsh coaching set-up and London Wasps, what with Warren Gatland and Shaun Edwards having both been part of the Adams Park dynasty, while Rob Howley’s last act as a professional rugby player was to score the try that won Wasps the Heineken Cup in 2004.

Wales have been on the receiving end of some of the worst incidences of poor refereeing in the history of the international game –painfully against Italy in 2007 and, worse yet, France in 2011— so for England to think that Walsh pulled the game irretrievably out of their reach is ridiculous.

The refereeing outcry from the England camp is all the more bizarre given that some of Stuart Lancaster’s first words to reporters after the match were: “There are no complaints from us — the better side won on the day.”

And it wasn’t just the England coaches who were at it:

We could go on all day about whether the New York Times in 2011 had Alex Corbisiero on the back page, or if the New Zealand Herald had a double-page spread boasting Dylan Hartley as ‘New Zealand’s Finest’ — but we won’t go there, because this is a time for magnanimity. (And since when has the Sun been an arbiter of rugby anyway?)

In contrast, there were many who gave Wales their due, whilst sticking the knife into the English, clearly hurt by the brave new world Stuart Lancaster had shown them, only for it to implode in Cardiff. Phrases such as “England’s worst rugby defeat in a quarter of a century” and “preconceptions shattered” have been music to Welsh ears (a thousands-strong male voice choir at the Millennium Stadium, if you will), and something entirely different to those belonging to the English (maybe a stern Andy Farrell telling his beaten players that he’s “not angry, just disappointed”).

The Telegraph even called for England to “man-up” in light of the refereeing issue. England had gone from being world-beaters to well-beaten, and over the course of one match those players in white who only moments before kick-off were the best of their generation are suddenly not good enough in many eyes.

I have a teacher friend who likes to discipline unruly pupils with these words: ‘In the real world, you only get one chance.’ There will be a number of English internationals hoping that’s just a big, bad lie made up to scare little boys.

* * *

WHERE TO NOW?

While the usual suspects are touring Down Under, Wales have a two-test tour to Japan to enjoy. In the light of Six Nations success, this tour to the Land of the Rising Sun has taken on an altogether different complexion and proposed the question: which young Welsh player can step up to the level of the Class of 2012 and 2013?

Fan favourite Andrew Coombs, a fresh recipient of an RBS Six Nations Championship medal, told the Merthyr Express recently: “Japan is something to look forward to. In the next few weeks, you will see me fighting for an opportunity to prove I’m capable of playing at that Test level.” He’s already proven it to us all, but he will be faced with the surreal proposition of being an elder statesman amongst a group of aspiring youngsters — after only four caps.

There are some already taking those steps, such as Ospreys wing Eli Walker, who would definitely be making the trip were it not for the recent back operation the 21-year-old has undergone. You wonder if Robin McBryde, Wales’s next interim coach, will throw caution to the wind and introduce the recent U20’s captain Ellis Jenkins to the senior squad in order to make the transition easier before facing more physical international sides than Japan.

In contrast, Eli Walker’s positional counterpart at Cardiff Blues, Harry Robinson, needs to show that he can fulfil his early promise at regional level. Robinson’s regional teammate, Rhys Patchell, will more than likely take the ten spot (assuming, as we should, that Dan Biggar makes the Lions tour). Wales fringe players such as scrum-half Tavis Knoyle, backrowers Aaron Shingler and Andries Pretorius, second row Lou Reed and prop Scott Andrews will be the front-runners for starting positions in the tests.

Is there anybody else out there who wouldn’t mind seeing Olly Kohn given a decent run in the boiler room? If it’s at the expense of Osprey James King then perhaps not, but he would be a valuable addition against a lightweight Japanese side.

Exciting times lie ahead for a proud, reinvigorated rugby nation.

* * *

LIONS XV

In my first Six Nations post of 2013, I selected my pre-Six Nations Lions team. It was as follows:

1. Cian Healy (Leinster, IRE) 2. Richard Hibbard (Ospreys, WAL) 3. Adam Jones (Ospreys, WAL) 4. Geoff Parling (Leicester, ENG) 5. Richie Gray  (Sale, SCO) 6. Dan Lydiate (Dragons, WAL) 7. Justin Tipuric (Ospreys, WAL) 8. Jamie Heaslip (Leinster, IRE), 9. Mike Phillips (Bourgoin, WAL), 10. Jonny  Sexton (Leinster, IRE), 11. Chris Ashton (Saracens, ENG), 12. Jamie Roberts (Cardiff, WAL), 13. Manu Tuilagi (Leicester, ENG), 14. Tim Visser (Glasgow, SCO), 15. Leigh Halfpenny (Cardiff, WAL)

I think I’ll wait until the intoxicating aroma of Welsh victory has faded before I decide how many changes I would make, lest the line-up be identical to the one which faced the English last Saturday. Until then, I’m savouring every second of it.

* * *

SCENE-STEALING

I couldn’t finish this article without highlighting the shock I felt upon witnessing the photo, below, of my friend (the one holding his pint like a seasoned pro) epitomising the rapture of the moment Alex Cuthbert scored one of his glorious tries on Saturday. Courtesy of the Observer (and Gruff Davies).

Six Nations IV: “Heroes get remembered. Legends never die.”

This could very easily have been a post devoted to a shock Italian victory against England. The most unpredictable Six Nations of them all has made up for a distinct lack of entertaining rugby through sheer nerviness and left field results. Italy have been the architects of two of them, beating France and scaring the tweed off the Twickenham crowd on Sunday. The rugby world was almost turned on its head as the Azzurri piled into the English 22, seven points down and dashed English hopes of a Grand Slam nearing reality. Those closing moments were worth the bog-standard match we had been watching up until then, but England came through with only their egos dented and with zero tries scored to Italy’s one: 18-11.

That said, the 28 points racked up by Wales against Scotland‘s 18 (and those denied England by a resolute Italy) have whipped up an already excitable rugby nation into a country powered by nervous energy. What could have been a minefield at Murrayfield became a clear rallying cry to the Welsh team: homecoming, Cardiff, victory…

As for Ireland and France, the stalemate became even staler. Something of a relief for the French that they’d finally played a match in the championship and not lost, and worry for the Irish that they will now come up against the emboldened Italians at Stadio Olimpico. I wouldn’t dare be so brusque as to write off the Italians twice in a row (as George W. Bush famously said, you can’t get fooled again), but I also wouldn’t be averse to tipping the Irish to bookend the Six Nations strongly.

The only sadness is that the Six Nations will be over again for another year. There is no other sporting competition in the world that matches it for historical rivalry and just plain fun. That sadness will be short-lived, however, what with a certain Lions tour to come in a matter of months.

But the championship isn’t over just yet.

* * *

Italy v Ireland
Stadio Olimpico, Saturday, 2.30pm

Ireland trusted the return of Jonny Sexton would ensure they go out on a high after a dismal triumvirate of two losses and a draw. That was until he tore a tendon in his foot in a training session on Thursday. Who would have foreseen those abject results after they’d filled Wales in like an application form in the opening round?

A visit during the week from Lions coach Warren Gatland is said to have lifted the national camp’s spirits, which is ironic when you consider the jibes the Kiwi has thrown Ireland’s way over the years. Now that Gatland has his Lions hat on, though, his presence there (and the tour of Australia looming ever closer) might represent the kick they need. Playing for third is never the most inspirational of ambitions, but as individuals there is certainly much to play for. Was a visit from Warren Gatland all it took to reinforce that message?

Craig Gilroy, the Ulster wing and an Irish star on the horizon, looks set to make Irish hearts race once more. The absence of Tommy Bowe has been felt this year, not only for Ireland but for rugby fans everywhere. Gilroy, Bowe’s provincial teammate, looked set to fill that gap with his dazzling running ability, but he’s yet to get into his stride because of injuries.

For Italy, just as one talisman re-enters the fray, another departs. Number eight Sergio Parisse (back after his secondment to the naughty step for foul language) and tighthead Martin Castrogiovanni (out with the thigh injury he sustained early on against the English) have long been the two pillars of wisdom for the Azzurri, which will make Parisse’s job doubly hard against Declan Kidney’s chastened men. Which means we can count on him to pull up trees come tomorrow then.

* * *

Wales v England
Millennium Stadium, Saturday, 5pm

From famine to feast and back again. A graph of Wales’s achievements to date in the Six Nations looks like a landscape painting of the Himalayas: they’re either dwelling at base camp or raising flags at 9000m. Up until this year, Wales have come fourth in the rankings a grand total of six times, plunging lower on only three occasions: fifth in 2002 and 2007, and an ignominious sixth in 2003. Those dips were punctuated by 2005, 2008 and 2012 Grand Slams, meaning Wales have yet to take the spoils without beating every other team in the process.

This quasi-phenomenon is reflected in the attitude of the Welsh public, the majority of whom feared at the commencement of this Six Nations that their team would suffer a whitewash. Now, anything less than a tournament victory will be seen as a failure in their eyes, although this might just be down to the fact that it is England with whom Wales are vying for the title of Champions of Europe.

They say ‘you couldn’t have written better if you wanted to’. Well, you could: if Wales hadn’t been blitzed by Ireland in the opening round, then it would be Wales and England competing for the Grand Slam on the final day. As it is, it’s now a numbers game: Wales need to beat England by at least seven points -and beat them on tries- to be in with a chance of taking the number one spot which had seemed so improbable a matter of weeks ago.

This Six Nations championship has been England‘s to lose from the outset. Beating the All Blacks in the autumn effectively set the standard for this Six Nations: lose to Wales and 2013 will be seen as a backward step. A win at the Millennium Stadium -an unknown venue for many of the English contingent- would seal a first grand slam in ten years. Is the onus on the revitalised Welsh players to prevent England winning the slam in Cardiff for the first time ever? Or is it on England to deliver on the promise they’ve shown post-World Cup blues? While English pundits would have you believe otherwise, the pressure is almost certainly on England. They beat the All Blacks, after all, while Wales failed to see off Samoa and Argentina.

Two young teams with many years in the sport to come face off in Cardiff tomorrow: it is Act Two in what is set to be an epic saga of cross-border rivalry. If Wales do pull off the mother of all Six Nations wins, it will be their finest hour thus far because of the dismal nature of their journey there.  They entered the competition with seven losses on the trot, and have lost their last five home matches. Win tomorrow and in ten years’ time schoolboys with names such as George and Leigh will be hustled out of their house on a cold Saturday morning by their rugby-mad dads to re-enact Saturday 16th March, 2013.

Jamie Roberts and Jonathan Davies, appearing together a record 17 times in the Welsh midfield, will have a huge part to play against an equally robust unit of Brad Barritt and Manu Tuilagi. It goes without saying that this contest hinges on what damage both sides’ respective packs can do to one another. Rarely has there been an occasion on which Wales’s lineout has outshone England’s, and this area has been  a constant bugbear for successive Wales coaches. Predicting whose scrum will emerge victorious is a less straightforward exercise, given that referees have as much idea about what’s going on inside that clash of 16 monsters as they do the ‘God particle’.

In another laudable feat, Mike Phillips becomes Wales’s most-capped scrum-half this weekend, and the occasion is entirely suitable for a man who lives for the dogfight. If ever there was somebody you wanted alongside you in the trenches, it is Phillips. He might have the looks of a Mediterranean playboy -and who can forget Bakkies Botha complimenting Phillips’s “sexy blue eyes” in the heat of the battle?- but Phillips has the ability to grab the game by the scruff of the neck when all around him are floundering. Moments such as that infamous match against France in the 2011 World Cup when, down to 14 men, Phillips set off on a try that damn near brought the win (and justice) to Wales. Or another from that year’s Six Nations, when Phillips narrowly escaped the attentions of Tommy Bowe to score a try with ‘the wrong ball’.

He’s come a long way since his burgeoning days as a Scarlet, Blue and Osprey (who can even remember all the clubs he’s played for?). Rumour had it that he was once sat down by Kiwi rival and fellow Ospreys scrum-half Justin Marshall during training, and maybe that taught a then-25-year-old Phillips respect his elders – but probably not. Such dust-ups are to be expected when you have two similar characters struggling for the same position. Phillips will soon share the same distinction as Marshall, a fiery contender who broke the All Blacks record for appearances at nine, as well as experiencing run-ins with the police for fighting.

(Incidentally, Marshall was back in the Welsh eye this week, having opened a new hotel in Laugharne, the Carmarthenshire home of Dylan Thomas, and roughly 10 minutes from where Phillips was born and bred. A Western Mail reporter somewhat harshly described the All Black legend as “known during his rugby career for his bleached blond hair.” That’s all he was known for then!)

A friend tells a witty story about witnessing Phillips being approached at a cash point by an overly-boisterous rugby fan on a night out in Cardiff (a city where the scrum-half has been known to raise hell quite publicly). The fan sidles up to Phillips at a cash point and says: “Mike, I’ve heard you’re a right p****.” To which Phillips responds swiftly (maybe he’s used to hearing this): “Have you heard of the Loch Ness Monster?” Fan: “Yes…” Phillips: “Well, don’t believe everything you hear.”

* * *

France v Scotland
Stade de France, Saturday, 8pm

Clive Woodward and Phillipe Saint-André’s recent tete-a-tete has enlivened what has been an execrable French campaign. The French coach (who oversaw Sale Sharks’s 2006 Premiership win) is in such a semi-untenable position that he is now lashing out at his detractors. Okay, that’s a classic example of sensationalism -Saint-André probably calmly answered a journalist’s question- but you catch my drift.

Saint-André rebutted Woodward’s criticism of his selection policy (read: Frederic Michalak) by saying: “For the past four or five years our friend Clive Woodward has been involved in athletics. He is no longer involved in rugby … When he began his job he left for Australia with a very young squad, and they lost by between 70-80 points. He didn’t win many matches at the beginning, but he believed in his players and they were world champions in 2003.” If you were in a facetious mood, you’d point out that the French, with a very similar team, have already pumped Australia prior to this Six Nations, but that would be belabouring a point that has already been ignored to death by everyone.

It is Thierry Dusautoir, one of the game’s true gents and the epitome of a team leader, for whom we should feel sorry. There are not many who would take pride of place in a Dream XV back row of the last eight years, but he would be there or thereabouts. His unwavering effectiveness in all he does has set the standard for back-row play in Europe. Dusautoir has thanked the French fans who followed their team to Dublin and were audible throughout, whilst at the same time admitting that everybody will soon forget France’s 2013 Six Nations. That said, if France fail to end the championship on a high at the Stade de France, it is the deafening boos of the crowd that will live long in the players’ memories.

While Scotland give a first cap to 22-year-old second row Grant Gilchrist, France pitch him against newcomer Sebastien Vahaamahina, 21, who featured from the bench in that Australia win and, more recently, for 20 minutes against the Irish. Edinburgh’s Gilchrist already has experience of beating France’s top teams, having played in the Heineken Cup victory over Toulouse. Vahaamahina will have good knowledge of Scotland blindside Alasdair Strokosch, his teammate at Perpignan.

Serge Blanco and Christian Califano will present the jerseys to the team on the morning of the match: two former internationals who will be thinking long and hard about what to say to this band of beaten men. To put a perspective on shifting fortunes, in the past Scotland have lost many of the matches they should have won, and it is only fair -if there is such a thing in professional sport- that they should come good this year against Ireland and Italy.

After the implosion of the Scottish pack against the Welsh at Murrayfield (Scott Johnson would have us believe that his men were ‘conned’ by ‘diving soccer players’), the Gallic forwards will be itching to see if they can get equally stuck into Messrs Grant, Ford and Murray: a stage from which they can then launch the menacing talents of Wesley Fofana (scorer of the best try of the tournament against England) and Mathieu Bastareaud in the centre – and that’s before you look at who they have outside them. Maxime Medard and Vincent Clerc are the archetypal flair wingers, while Yoann Huget at fullback is one whose stocks and shares have soared in what has been an otherwise depressing month or so for France.

Can we finally see some running rugby in this year’s Six Nations?  

* * *

HORSING AROUND DOPING SCANDAL (CONTINUED)

We’ve all had enough of the shockingly bad horse puns over the last month or so, but the goings-on Down Under could be making a strong case for their revival. Last week we covered the NRL drugs scandal and how the actions of certain senior players within the Cronulla Sharks weren’t doing their cases any favours.

Lo and behold, Wednesday morning came the news that Sharks chairman David Irvine had resigned; this along with the manager, head trainer, doctor and physio being sacked, while coach Shane Flanagan was ‘stood down’. Australian reports indicate that Irvine resigned under pressure resulting from comments he gave about the Sharks’ former sports scientist, Stephen Dank, whom Irvine claims injected his players with equine steroids in 2011.

If horses weren’t enough, enter ‘the Gazelle’ aka Darren Hibbert, chief supplier of Dank’s sports nutrition supplements. (The laymen among you might think of protein bars when you hear the term ‘sports nutrition supplements’, but here it implies substances that make racehorses stronger and faster. Nothing you can nip into Boots to buy, then.)

Some NRL players from various clubs have apparently been buying supplements directly from the back of Hibbert’s car, which is an interesting twist on the ol’ car boot sale. Something suggests we’ve only scraped the surface of this beast of a scandal.

RUNAWAY INJURY

In this excerpt from an interview with the great Men’s Journal magazine in the United States, NFL legend Ray Lewis explains the ‘worst physical pain you’ve experienced’: 

“My hamstring being torn from my butt bone. This was 2004, and we were playing the Bears. I’m running toward the sideline at Thomas Jones, and I tried to pull up and pow! Oh, my goodness! It was like a gunshot. I threw my hand in the sky and just pointed to my sideline, like, ‘Meet me in the locker room because I’m done’. I remember that after that surgery, using the bathroom was the most challenging thing ever. My mom had to help me, which was embarrassing, so I just wouldn’t eat.”

Let’s sing it together now: “The hamstring’s connected to the… butt bone!” 

Six Nations III: “Small Steps”

“It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.”

– Louis Sachar, Small Steps

 

 

WALES V SCOTLAND

Murrayfield, Saturday, 2.30pm

 

As if interim head coach Rob Howley thought Wales might be getting complacent after two victories, he’s made some big selection calls that will either see him hailed or hailed down on — depending, of course, on the outcome of Saturday’s meeting with Scotland.  

 

Like his team, Gethin Jenkins appeared to have found his groove again, making turnovers like a flanker and proving that you can be a near-indispensable loosehead prop without being a powerhouse scrummager. His recurring calf injury means Bath’s Paul James makes a not unwelcome return at number one because, like Saracens’ Rhys Gill (a curious Welsh absentee), James is making a name for himself in an English league that is nothing if not packed to the rafters with great front-row players. 

 

Alun Wyn Jones’s reinstatement to the Welsh engine room represents the return of Wales’s second row king. That most of us still felt a stab of sorrow for the outgoing Andrew Coombs signifies just how much the 28-year-old’s Cinderella story has affected us. Coombs did it the hard way, and his reward was all the sweeter for his years of lower league toil in places such as Bargoed and Blackwood. 

 

The team change most likely to cause dissent among some is the return of Sam Warburton at the expense of Justin Tipuric at openside flanker. It will be noted that Warburton must get some decent game time before the Six Nations competition is out if he is to feel deserving of a place on the Lions convoy in under three months’ time — a tour he was odds-on to lead a year ago. Such sentimentality still won’t hold much water with the Tipuristas who feel the unassuming young Osprey from Trebanos has done little wrong to merit his drop to the bench.  

 

The rain in Edinburgh this week could prove the perfect conditions in which to reintroduce former captain Warburton (a muscular presence, to say the least) into the starting line-up, so we should be under no illusions that he will be anything but effective.

 

Another critics’ pick for the Lions around this time last year which now seems somewhat uncertain was Scotland‘s David Denton: the bolting blonde back-rower whose sublime efforts in last year’s edition of the championship were rivalled only by the discovery that he’s related to Rudyard Kipling. This year, for a variety of reasons, Montpellier’s Johnnie Beattie was back in the Scotland fold and pulling on the number eight jersey that was still warm from Denton’s fiery exploits in 2012. Denton was injured in last weekend’s match against the Scarlets and will play no further part in the Six Nations; the high hopes of yesteryear dashed. 

 

Despite looking more like a stocky butcher’s apprentice rather than a fly-half of many qualities, Duncan Weir gets his first start for Scotland. Weir has been key in upsetting some big teams for Glasgow Warriors, and Scott Johnson clearly thinks he can do the same at international level. 

 

Perpignan flanker Alasdair Strokosch’s worrying eye injury has healed sufficiently to see him reappear for the first time on the teamsheet since Scotland’s opening game at Twickenham. He and captain Kelly Brown will be a nuisance if Warburton and co. aren’t on song come Saturday, especially at a Murrayfield that’s already tasted Italian and Irish blood this season. 

 

Tighthead prop Euan Murray is another one back to try and cause the Welsh forwards mischief. It has now become almost impossible to refer to the Scot without mentioning the devout religious beliefs that prevent him from playing on a Sunday.  Since it came to light in 2009 that Murray would be making himself unavailable on the day of the Christian Sabbath, it has been a punt for successive coaches to sign him. Rugby is, after all, a weekend sport, and for a paid player to rule himself out of action for what is essentially a third of his working week is risky. Newcastle took the risk after Northampton abruptly terminated his contract, followed by a loan-spell at Agen and now Glasgow Warriors. 

 

Murray was profound, not to mention poetic, on the subject of giving up Sundays in an interview with the Guardian three years ago: “All the shiny bubbles: the money, the possessions, the fame, the great elusive relationship – all bubbles that appear perfectly spherical, all the colours of the rainbow. They’re bright and shiny and light as a feather, and you chase them because it’s good fun, but the minute you get them they burst and they’re empty. I’d had enough of chasing bubbles.”

 

Scotland hadn’t won two consecutive matches in the Six Nations for 12 years until their victory against Ireland. They haven’t won three in succession in 17 years. Wales are headed for an unprecedented fifth away win in the competition. For Rob Howley that’s an almost ironic statistic since, as a player newly-signed at Cardiff from Bridgend, he used to get so homesick in the capital city that he would drive back to the Brewery Field clubhouse to find solace. 

 

Times they are a-changin’. 

 

* * *

IRELAND v FRANCE

Aviva Stadium, Saturday, 5pm

 

Ireland‘s biggest match of the Six Nations should have come against England, but the early injury to Jonny Sexton was particularly distressing to the way the team functioned thereafter and they blew it, losing 12-6. If it was thought that the Wales versus France encounter was dire, Ireland’s much-anticipated match with their fierce foes in white was akin to paying top dollar to watch Laurence Olivier play Hamlet, only to find that he’s ill and his understudy is Joe Pasquale. 

 

Then Murrayfield happened, where an Irish defeat was snatched from the jaws of victory as Scotland won 12-8. Paddy Jackson’s costly missed kicks (three from four) told a wider story about how imported players can stymie the progress of the natives, what with Ruan Pienaar being the first-choice kicker at Ulster. 

 

Disappointment has followed Ireland. That early promise they showed in thrashing Wales has diminished exponentially. Who ever would have thought that this fixture, at this point in the European calendar, would effectively be a dead rubber? Of the last 20 matches between the two teams in this competition, France have won 16, with a single draw.

 

So we know Ireland clearly don’t fare well against the Tricolores, and the French seem to be slowly but surely finding their feet again (like a slightly more dignified Bambi on ice, if you will). The hungrier team will win, whether that’s Ireland with their new faces (Ulster pair Paddy Jackson and centre Luke Marshall at 10 and 12 respectively) or France, who haven’t been this humbled since, well, most military conflicts they’ve been involved in. (It should be pointed out that we’re crossing our fingers for Mali!) 

 

Morale is low in the French camp: something the players themselves have been openly honest about in the lead-up to Saturday’s game. Who wants to be a member of the first French team to be handed the Wooden Spoon since 1957?  

 

France’s sideburned maverick wing Maxime Medard, back after a serious knee ligament injury, commented recently that his team are wary of the fact that this could be Brian O’Driscoll’s last home game for Ireland. If anybody deserves a final flourish to their career, it is BOD.  

 

People have mulled over the fluctuating fortunes of the French national team, with a finger rightly pointed at the swelling ranks of foreign players in the Top 14. Fall guy Frederic Michalak, so representative of France’s Jekyll and Hyde nature this season, has stressed that the long domestic season and inconsistent physical conditioning (he claims he has lost two pound in muscle since moving to Toulon from the Sharks in South Africa) also play their part.  

 

Philippe Saint-André says he wants to wait until the tournament is over until he gives his two centimes on the “true problems” with French rugby. Certain French commentators feel that the import problem (especially in key positions such as those occupied by the Wilkinsons, McAlisters and Steyns) won’t be felt fully until the 2019 Rugby World Cup in Japan. 

 

* * *

ENGLAND v ITALY

Twickenham, Sunday, 3pm

 

Warren Gatland’s Lions selection may echo the happenings of England versus Ireland in Dublin in early February. The greasy conditions reduced the best of the men out on the Aviva turf to hapless fumblers. Poor Jamie Heaslip probably felt it was more than just the ball that slipped out of his hands. For the Irish captain, this match represented the opportunity to show the watching Gatland why he should be picked as Lions skipper. (It seems a long time ago now that Heaslip burst onto the international scene with that scything try against France in 2009.) But it was England’s captain, Chris Robshaw, who knuckled down and gave the sort of Steady Eddie performance so beloved of the old-school sports hacks.

England have beaten two of their fiercest rivals and any other team in their position would be looking at the Grand Slam. Knowing the pragmatic approach espoused by Stuart Lancaster, they will have learnt –or sought to learn– from the mistakes of 2011, when they fell ingloriously at the last Irish hurdle. Barring a miraculous upset in Twickenham to an Italy with Sergio Parisse back at the helm, they couldn’t have asked for a better penultimate fixture, having already done things the hard way.

It will perhaps work in England’s favour that fly-half Owen Farrell is unavailable through injury: not only will he have ample time to recover for the Wales encounter, but his replacement Toby Flood has torn Italy apart with his running game on many an occasion. Another player wearing the red rose who loves to run is Flood’s Leicester teammate Tom Croft, the flanker for whom the prospect of representing his country again drove him through painful rehabilitation from a serious neck injury.

Sadly, there seems very little to say for the Italians. They may prove spirited, but the chances of them upsetting England on Sunday are slim. If they do, the next blog will be entirely devoted to such an occurrence. You have my word.

Intriguingly –and most worryingly for the Azzurri– we could potentially have been treated to the sight of Vunipola brothers Mako and Billy on the field together for the first time since they represented England U18’s. To hear the brothers speak is to be transported to a Gwent high street, which is explained through the fact that they spent their formative years in South Wales –both attended Newport High– while their Tongan international father played for various Welsh rugby clubs, including Pontypool.

Wales number eight (and friend of the Vunipolas) Toby Faletau’s father was another Tongan who moved to the country to play rugby – thankfully he stayed in Wales. When you consider that Manu Tuilagi spent time in Cardiff as a youngster, while brother Freddie was at the Blues, that’s three of England’s Islander stars that have slipped Wales’s grasp. There must be enough hair being pulled out in the WRU to fill a legion of mattresses.

(The Telegraph made many a rugby fan’s day when they posted a collection of images of the young Vunipola brothers, including this blinder below, showing Billy with another future international rugby player, Wales’s Harry Robinson, second from left.)

* * * 

 

THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING A WELSH SPORTS ICON

 

“Tottenham have a cyclone on the wing whose name is Gareth Bale. He combines the height and build of an 800m runner like Steve Ovett with the acceleration and directness of a rugby winger like Bryan Habana.” – El Mundo, Spain. 

 

Three years ago, Tottenham Hotspur star Gareth Bale made the world sit up and take notice after bamboozling Inter Milan in the Champions League. Now his stock is soaring higher than ever, having scored 24 goals in all competitions this season and prompting the inevitable speculation as to which of Europe’s most prestigious clubs will sign him. Yesterday, the Times labelled Bale a superstar “who shines brighter than everything around [him]” ahead of a much-anticipated reunion with Inter. In scoring the opening goal on six minutes in a convincing Spurs win, Bale showed he thrives on expectation.

 

23-year-old Bale was in the same year in Cardiff’s Whitchurch High as Sam Warburton, Wales’s flanker-who-came-in-from-the-cold, which would technically put both gifted individuals on opposite ends of the Who’s Hot/Who’s Not spectrum right now. It wasn’t so long ago that Warburton was being proclaimed a threat to Richie McCaw’s throne (a shining, untouched seat going on eight years now), but he has paid the price for Wales’s dreadful losses leading up to the Six Nations. 

 

It is quite a rarity for two exceptional sporting individuals to emerge from one school –admittedly, Whitchurch is one of the largest high schools in Europe– but for both Bale and Warburton to have come from the same year and excelled in two different sports is quite singular. 

 

If (and it’s quite a big ‘if’ at this moment in time) Warburton plays a blinder in Wales’s last two matches and goes on to star in the 2013 Lions team, and if Bale continues his glorious form for Spurs, a leafy suburb in Cardiff will rejoice.

* * *

 

ANDY ROBINSON: TRUE BRIT? 

 

Prior to Wales’s thumping of the Azzurri, former England, Scotland and Lions coach Andy Robinson opined in a newspaper column: “Wouldn’t it be fantastic if Italy won?” At whose expense exactly, Andy? So much for the Lions spirit. I wonder if he says the same thing when Italy visit Twickenham. He certainly didn’t before they turned up at Murrayfield. 

I don’t doubt that there are many famous rugby figures in Wales, Ireland and Scotland that hope Italy beat England on Sunday — they just have the good grace not to say it in public. Robinson, as a proud Englishman from Somerset, quite rightly sees Wales as a natural enemy on the rugby field, but Lions year is the wrong time to be willing defeats on one of the iconic team’s main contingents. As a former Lions player and coach, he should know that better than anyone. 

 

YOU’VE MET USADA – NOW MEET ASADA

 

Those non-followers of Australia’s National Rugby League out there will be forgiven for being unaware of the drugs scandal engulfing the sport down under. (We all know it’s not a real scandal unless it’s ‘engulfing’ or ’embroiling’ something.) The UK media coverage of the NRL’s latest tailspin has been muted to say the least, but you can’t miss it in Oz, with the Australian Sports Anti-Doping Authority (ASADA) in full-swing after the names of six clubs were included in an Australian Crime Commission report investigating doping across all sports.

The greatest quote from the whole furore comes from former ASADA chief Richard Ings, who said: “This is not a black day in Australian sport, this is the blackest day in Australian sport”.

The side currently at the heart of the NRL saga is Cronulla Sharks, who reportedly face losing 14 players to lengthy bans. The story reached fever pitch when it emerged this week that senior members of the Sharks, including New South Wales stalwart Paul Gallen, had turned up at their former conditioning coach’s house in the belief that he is the whistleblower on the whole affair.

The NRL got underway on Wednesday, with none other than Sydney Rooster Sonny Bill Willams making a try-scoring appearance from the bench in the loss to the Rabbitohs, but the drugs shadow has been cast further than many would have hoped. Various club administrators believe the aspersions the ASADA/ACC inquest has cast upon the sport will eventually cost them millions through loss of sponsorship and general disillusionment among the fans.

If you needed any indication of how sports-mad Australia is, the damning report has prompted the state of Victoria’s police force to establish a sporting integrity intelligence unit. For a rookie police officer, going undercover at a tennis club sounds a lot more appealing than a crack den.

As a country, the UK is far beyond naively believing that performance enhancers haven’t already permeated nigh-on every echelon of our sports. (Except maybe darts or snooker, which would then beg the question as to whether lager is a performance enhancer, or whether darts and snooker are even actual sports.) If it can threaten to bring down great sporting institutions in Australia, it could just as easily happen right here in Great Britain.

Six Nations II: “Shock and Awe”

WEEKEND SUMMARY

As many astute commentators have already stated, it makes little difference that Wales came back strongly in their second half mauling by Ireland. Only the All Blacks can call upon the willpower to inflict score after agonising score on a team having already gone up by 27 points. To say the embarrassment for watching Welsh fans in that first half of rapid green domination was agonising would be an understatement indeed. Basic mistakes (including an absolute shocker from Alex Cuthbert that saw him leave his wing for Simon Zebo’s try on debut) continue to blight Wales.

One non-Irish person happy with Wales’s non-existent first half will be Jim Telfer, whose ramblings of a madman in the build-up to the opening weekend saw the former British Lions coach label the Welsh as ‘lazy’. In a stirring speech to the 1997 Lions forwards before the first test against the Springboks, he told his forwards that beating South Africa would be their Everest. If Wales don’t improve against the wounded French, they’ll struggle to conquer Primrose Hill.

Just when Ireland thought they’d bled Brian O’Driscoll dry, the primo outside centre deigned to show the rest of the world that, while he’s not captain any longer, he’s still the Daddy of Irish Rugby. (Yes, I was tempted to say ‘Paddy’ instead.) The intelligence of Declan Kidney’s game plan came to the fore early on in the match, as Ireland’s tactical choice of ball runners saw Wales not so much on the back foot as on their backsides for a stunning half that ended with them trailing by 27 points. If you want to win a Test match, that’s the way to do it: real shock and awe stuff.

Wales, like a punch-drunk, battered street fighter, just didn’t know when they were beaten. Frighteningly, they drop to tenth in the IRB world rankings, below both Samoa and Italy. If the slide continues (and only Scotland are ranked lower than them in the next four fixtures), Wales could soon find themselves sitting uncomfortably at the feet of Tonga or Fiji.

Besides the moment when the Scotland backs were given a rare opportunity to turn on the afterburners –and fullback Stuart Hogg hared in for the try– it was all England at Twickenham. 38-18 tells a story in itself, especially between these old foes in the classic grudge match: a dream start for inside centre Billy Twelvetrees and another try for winger Chris Ashton, following the score against the All Blacks that ended his 14-month drought for England. It’s hard to tell if England have carried on their form from that famous game, because while Scotland itself is around 500 miles away from “HQ”, the Scotland team were even further away.

I singled out the Scottish back three last week as the jewel in Scotland’s rusting crown, and it’s still the case, but inside centre Matt Scott (or ‘Matt Who?’ as many will call him) showed that their midfield can function beyond just running straight lines.

England and Scotland started this match as points equals, but if this game was any indicator, they’ll be taking vastly different routes on the table from here on in. From a British Lions perspective, it didn’t do much for the Scottish cause, while England feel they’ve taken one step towards that elusive Grand Slam.

The French press cried “Martyrdom!” as Philippe Saint-André’s men came a cropper against the Italians. From the outset, France had left some feeling slightly perplexed before the Italy match by their selection of the Maxime Machenaud and Frédéric Michalak at half-back. The pairing of François Trinh-Duc and Morgan Parra would have been the obvious choice, which suggests that France thought the Italian fixture would be a time for auditioning. Or maybe not, given that both Machenaud and Michalak start again tomorrow.

Maybe it’s just because we’ve come to associate Italy with being the plucky losers, but on paper France were a much stronger side. My old high school rugby coach was onto something when he used to say ‘the game isn’t played on paper’. The French players have confessed they believed the Italians would eventually yield in the face of their onslaught.

As it was, Italy confounded the best of us, playing a brand of rugby that we haven’t seen since… ever. There are precious few big names among them, but preeminent forwards (and try-scorers) Sergio Parisse and Martin Castrogiovanni could be relied upon again and again to inspire their teammates. The show was also run by Luciano Orquera –like the two players just mentioned, a native Argentinean– the fly-half who plays for the Pro12 league’s bottom-placed Zebre.

The Azzurri reinforced the lip service that has fumblingly stated that the Six Nations is getting more competitive. If Italy get more results like that, we can be sure that it is.

* * *

 

ITALY V SCOTLAND

Murrayfield, Saturday, 2.30pm

The Italian media proclaims with a newfound boldness that Scotland are afraid. This fixture is traditionally the Battle of the Wooden Spoon, except it’s Italy who find themselves in the unfamiliar position of having everything to play for after stunning the French.

My confidence in Scotland this time last week proved slightly unfounded, I’ll admit, but let’s not write them off just yet. British Lion Ross ‘the Hulk’ Ford is back at hooker, and while you would never call him a game changer, he’s one of Scotland’s few reliable (not to mention robust) assets.

If there is a tangible game plan from head coach Scott Johnson, it was hard to determine what it was at Twickenham, which shows just how England strangled the life out of them. The only way they can look to win this game is by exploiting the power and pace of their backs, because it’s asking too much to expect their front five to outmuscle an Italian pack that saw off a highly reputable French scrum.

Now we all want to see what the Azzurri will bring to the table next.

* * *

WALES V FRANCE

Stade de France, Saturday, 5pm

Nobody is giving Wales a chance in Paris, which on the rare occasion has the effect of inspiring them to a great performance. On Wednesday came the standard headlines that Wales’s ‘big names are under threat’. An entire nation retorted that this should have been the case a long time ago. Some of the stars in question, Sam Warburton and Gethin Jenkins, have clearly this season been usurped by Justin Tipuric and Paul James. As it is, Warburton’s injury has made the Osprey’s selection easier for Rob Howley.

There’s no hiding from the fact that it’s been almost twelve months since Wales have won a match against an IRB-ranked nation. For a country where rugby union is the national sport, that’s unacceptable. It’s almost tempting to say the creativity been drilled out of the team. Purists would suggest that Wales adopt Kevin Keegan’s Newcastle United approach: “”it doesn’t matter how many we concede, as long as we score one more than you”.

In times gone by, Wales would be wishing for the next match to be against Italy. After last Sunday, the Azzurri are become less and less appealing.

Big news for France is the long-awaited recall of burly centre Mathieu Bastareaud, who terrorised the Welsh in 2009 (Jamie Roberts in particular will want to settle some scores with the Toulon man). In the same year, Bastareaud was equally damaging to Franco-Kiwi diplomatic relations after fabricating an assault in Wellington when he had, in fact, drunkenly fallen over in his hotel room. Having not turned out in the blue of France for three long years, another vintage 2009 performance would see him forgiven in many eyes.

Another call-up in the absence of injured captain Pascal Pape is the aptly-named Jocelin Suta. Born in the obscure Wallis and Futuna islands in the South Pacific, Suta has been known to put in some fierce tackles at Toulon, though none more dangerous than the one he put in on Bayonne captain Rémy Martin two years ago.

Wales can turn their season around with a win in Paris, and silence the sharpening of their critics’ knives. You can’t help but wonder which heads will roll if they fail to get at least two wins in this competition. France as a nation has accepted some horror shows from their national side, safe in the knowledge that they have it in them to bounce back with something beautiful.  Wales have rarely been afforded that luxury in the past.

* * *

IRELAND V ENGLAND

Aviva Stadium, Sunday, 3pm

 

Ireland and England have set the ideal platform for an explosive encounter this Saturday. After the Welsh result last weekend, this is the most high-profile of the weekend’s fixtures — and what a match-up it is. A test for the Irish front row, indeed, but a tussle for the English back row that will prove decisive, because Ireland captain Jamie Heaslip and Sean O’Brien will be out to hammer some home truths into them in Dublin.

If Declan Kidney’s team were on a mission for vengeance against Wales after their last three defeats against them, one hopes for the sake of spectacle that they’ve set aside a cold dish of the stuff for England. The final match of last season’s Six Nations ended with Ireland 30-9 the poorer after their scrum was laid to waste by Alex Corbisiero, Dylan Hartley and Dan Cole.

There was no Brian O’Driscoll that day, which makes a huge difference, regardless of how dominant the opposition forwards might be. Realistically, if Manu Tuilagi gets some game time, tomorrow could be a head-to-head for the Lions number 13 shirt between Brian O’Driscoll and the Leicester Tigers machine. A stand-off to wrinkle your brain.

England haven’t won at Lansdowne Road in ten years: a 42-6 deconstruction of the Irish in 2003 that led to the Grand Slam and then the World Cup. Dublin is a springboard to greater things for England.

Don’t tell Ireland that though.

* * *

Q.C. NEEDS BETTER COUNSEL

The freak show that is rugby union players trying to be taken seriously as boxers continues tonight/this morning/this afternoon (depending on where you are in the world), as Sonny Bill Williams fights 44-year-old South African Francois ‘the White Buffalo’ Botha.

While New Zealand, South Africa and Australia undoubtedly rule world rugby, their overall output of boxers is fairly laughable. Even Wallabies pariah Quade Cooper is getting in on the act, fighting on fellow Kiwi Williams’s undercard in Brisbane.

For people to think that Sonny Bill Williams is actually boxing against classy opposition is equally preposterous. His last bout was with a 43-year-old American who was later found out to have been claiming disability benefits.

Until Williams steps into the ring with a Klitschko or Finland’s Robert ‘the Nordic Nightmare’ Helenius, he should leave pugilism to the real fighters — or risk ridiculing a sport that is already suffering from a lack of credibility.

* * *

NO GAME FOR OLD MEN?

Before we suggest that professionals such as 34-year-old Brian O’Driscoll should be thinking about hanging up their boots in their ‘old age’, just consider Brad Thorn and Scott Menzies.

Thorn most will be familiar with. A cross-code legend in rugby league (NRL Grand Final winner; State of Origin winner) and union (a Rugby World Cup,  Super Rugby and Heineken Cup champion), you may have been forgiven for thinking the 38-year-old is now playing Man vs Boys rugby in Japan.

On the contrary. After a stopover in Japanese rugby, Thorn has been snapped up by the Highlanders franchise. His longevity and commitment is a fine example to all aspiring young rugby players.

Then there is Steve ‘Beaver’ Menzies, another Aussie rugby league icon, who is now playing for Catalan Dragons in the Super League. The 39-year-old won the 2008 NRL Grand Final with Manly Sea Eagles and is regarded as an all-time great of the game, having scored a record number of tries for a forward in the modern era.

Menzies was at it again on Sunday, scoring two tries for the Perpignan-based side against Hull KR. The word for men such as Thorn and Menzies –testament to their taking great care of their bodies– is ‘vintage’.

The Six Nations: “They’re here…”

WALES V IRELAND

Millennium Stadium, Saturday, 1.30pm

WALES

“Start with nothing, you’ve got nothing to lose.”

Whether or not you’re familiar with those lyrics from 80s pop rockers Moving Pictures, they’re fully indicative of the position Wales find themselves in at this stage of the year.

Wales won the Grand Slam last year, but that achievement will be dust in the wind if their attempts in the 2013 edition reflect those in the autumnal apocalypse.

There’s no point beating about the bush: it’s been a shocking few months for Welsh rugby. You could argue that the only highlight since Wales lifted the Grand Slam was Ospreys beating Toulouse 17-6 back in December.

Welsh stomachs are rumbling, and come Saturday the nervous crowd will feel like they’ve walked a mile in French fans’ shoes because nobody knows which Wales side will turn up.

Interim coach Rob Howley has borne the brunt of the criticism so far, unfairly or not. Some players desperately need to rediscover their form if Wales are to bring back the good times. They will undoubtedly improve on their autumn performances against Argentina, Samoa, Australia and New Zealand. The question on everybody’s lips is ‘When?’

IRELAND

Given Ireland’s consistent competitiveness in the Six Nations, that Wales have beaten them in the last two competitions (in addition to that stunning 2011 World Cup victory) seems too good to be true. The Welsh-Irish rivalry is almost as loaded as that the one both sides share with the English and, for neutrals, this is the ideal match to kickstart the 2013 Six Nations.

It’s tricky to judge which of these teams will be most pleased with 2013’s first round draw: Ireland, because Wales have suffered a double-dip recession in form; or Wales, because they’ve bested Ireland not once, not twice, but thrice in their last three encounters.

It’s a good bet that most of Warren Gatland’s provisional Lions test team will be on the Millennium Stadium turf on Saturday afternoon, with a couple looking to outplay each other in order to get a decent foothold in his plans. In particular, fullbacks Leigh Halfpenny and Rob Kearney and number eights Jamie Heaslip and Toby Faletau are very close calls. Halfpenny and Heaslip are the form candidates in their respective positions, but the other two are out to show their true worth after Kearney’s injury and Faletau’s recent indifferent form.

In what is likely Brian O’Driscoll’s final match against Wales, opposition centres Jamie Roberts and Jonathan Davies will be in no mood for sentimentality. A Six Nations legend might be saying farewell to Cardiff, but Wales’s midfielders have suffered enough at the Dubliner’s hands (and dazzling feet) to show him any courtesy.

A simple ‘thank you’ would be nice.

* * *

ENGLAND V SCOTLAND

Twickenham, Saturday, 4pm

SCOTLAND

The home defeat to Wales aside, England prevailed in last season’s Six Nations under a considerable coaching shake-up. Can Scotland do the same? Scott Johnson’s promotion to head coach has rankled some. Dean Ryan’s appointment as forwards coach, on the other hand, is a bold move. Here is a man so tough that a young Lawrence Dallaglio sought to emulate Ryan as his understudy at London Wasps. Having put his tactical awareness to such good use as a Sky Sports commentator, it will be interesting to see if Scotland’s abilities will allow Ryan to practise what he preaches.

The newly kilted Sean Maitland feels he has a point to prove to Todd Blackadder after the Canterbury Crusaders coach chose not to renew his contract least season. Those Super Rugby fans among us were wondering how winger Maitland never got at least a couple of caps for the All Blacks on an end-of-season tour. Scottish fans won’t want to question it. They find themselves in the rare position of having a frighteningly good back three, with Tim Visser and fullback Stuart Hogg complementing Maitland.

With the bruising Sean Lamont at outside centre, the English midfield know what to expect in that area – but it’s when the ball gets shipped out wide to Messrs Maitland, Hogg and Visser that things will get interesting.

England v Scotland might not be the straightforward win for the home team that many expect.

ENGLAND

England go into the Six Nations in the most enviable position of all the home nations, having rocked the All Blacks like a hurricane. The English press quite rightly are still racking up word counts longer than the Books of Psalms in praise of that win. (If Wales ever beat the All Blacks, the sports editors will probably commandeer the Obituaries page to cram some extra words in, so we mustn’t grumble.)

For England, the win over the All Blacks was like pressing the restart button after a bad run that was beginning to take the shine off their efforts in last year’s Six Nations. After devastating Ireland 30-9 in the final match of the 2012 competition, they won only one match (against Fiji) in their next six, before stunning a beleaguered New Zealand at Twickenham.

They have a crack coaching team, so good that two thirds of them will be heading off with the British Lions not long after the conclusion of this tournament. As Scott Johnson adequately referred to when informed that England had a few injuries, “you’ve got another 45,000 to choose from”.

It’s hard to see how injuries to frontline players could affect England the way such afflictions would harm the other home nations. In fact, there are many in England who would like to see Toulon’s Steffon Armitage (and even teammate Jonny Wilkinson) recalled from sunnier climes. When you have the luxury of easily omitting players such as Wasps Billy Vunipola and Christian Wade, or Gloucester’s Charlie Sharples and Jonny May, your strength in depth is considerable.

England are a clear danger –perhaps the most threating they’ve been for a decade– but Scotland could provide an awkward start to their campaign.

* * *

FRANCE V ITALY

Stadio Olimpico, Sunday, 3pm

FRANCE

Where England’s triumph against the All Blacks will niggle away at other teams’ minds, it certainly won’t be of any concern to the French. As we all know, they are a law unto themselves.

Only France could lose 23-20 to Argentina, before lashing back the following weekend with a 49-10 win, as they did in June of last year. Of all the European nations, theirs was the most successful autumn campaign, during which they did what none of the home nations could and beat Australia. (I say ‘beat’: it was a 33-6 mauling, which means any Welsh fans who were content with their country’s last-minute defeat to the Wallabies in December should be very ashamed indeed.)

There is a power shift in the French clubs that has been a long time coming. Domestically, Toulon have displaced Toulouse as the premier side in the Top 14, while Clermont too have forged ahead in the Heineken Cup while Guy Noves’ men floundered in key matches against Ospreys and Leicester. Only two backs in the squad to face Italy are from Toulouse, with the same number in the forwards. At one time, that would have been unthinkable.

Young men like powerhouse fly-half Francois Trinh-Duc (Montpellier) and potent centre Wesley Fofana (Clermont) represent the new generation of French rugby. Nonetheless, I will always miss the majesty of the Toulouse trio of Vincent Clerc, Cedric Heymans and Yannick Jauzion strutting their stuff in the tricolores.

Nostalgia be damned. Typically, the smart money is on France to win the whole bloody thing…

ITALY

… and yet it was only two years ago that the French came unstuck against Italy, losing 22-21 in Rome. And just over a year ago that Wales beat them at the Millennium Stadium.

Sunday’s most captivating contest will without doubt be the head-to-head of number eights Louis Picamoles (Toulouse) and Sergio Parisse (Stade Francais). Picamoles is proclaimed as the current best number eight in the world by some, but it’s hard to see past Parisse –three years the 26-year-old Picamoles’ elder– as the undisputed owner of that title. The Argentinean-born Parisse does things that no player in his position can do (yes, even Andy Powell!).

It would be all too easy to rue the fact that the Italy captain wasn’t born a Frenchman or a Kiwi, but perhaps he became the all-talented player he is today by dint of playing in a struggling side.

Refreshingly, Parisse even admitted in the Six Nations media launch that he believed France would win the Six Nations. Were those the pessimistic words of somebody who has lost before the race has even started, or the pragmatism of an icon who has only won six matches in the Six Nations since he first appeared in the championship nine years ago?

When I think of the Six Nations, Parisse is one of the first players that springs to mind, along with Brian O’Driscoll – testament to the enjoyment such players bring to this precious championship.

We know Italy have it in them to turn over one of the big dogs. It might not be France this time. It really mustn’t be Wales.

* * *

OLLY KOHN OR OLLY KAHN’T?

The storm in a teacup following the call-up of Harlequins second row Olly Kohn threatened to become a tsunami in a thimble on the twittersphere. But since when did selecting a first-choice second row in Europe’s highest ranking team signal ‘panic’ in the Welsh camp?

If selected at some point during the tournament, the 6’7” Kohn –the heaviest of all of the Welsh second rows– will be a rare weighty addition behind the front row, and certainly one that will be valued from jerseys one to three.

Much of the furore has surrounded his nationality: although born in Bristol, and with a Welsh grandfather, he is South African through and through. I don’t feel Wales have earnt the right –or can indeed afford– to turn our noses up at quality players on grounds of seemingly ‘questionable’ citizenship; especially if they qualify legitimately for the national team.

In no way is this a similar scenario to 2007, when Gareth Jenkins selected Gloucester’s giant lock, Will James. Harlequins have shown time and again in the last two seasons that they can play at an international standard (especially in the forwards, who count among them England’s Chris Robshaw and Joe Marler).

I’d be interested to read any comments about Kohn’s selection, whether they echo Aneurin Bevan’s ‘Rivers of Blood’ speech, or the ‘Come one, come all’ mentality of the European Union. It’s all good.

Fun fact: the business-minded Kohn runs the Jolly Hog and Sausage company with two of his brothers, which would explain where his aforementioned teammate Marler got the inspiration for this haircut below. Follicular monstrosity or inspired piece of guerrilla marketing?

* * *

MY PRE-SIX NATIONS LIONS XV

1. Cian Healy (Leinster, IRE) 2. Richard Hibbard (Ospreys, WAL) 3. Adam Jones (Ospreys, WAL) 4. Geoff Parling (Leicester, ENG) 5. Richie Gray  (Sale, SCO) 6. Dan Lydiate (Dragons, WAL) 7. Justin Tipuric (Ospreys, WAL) 8. Jamie Heaslip (Leinster, IRE), 9. Mike Phillips (Bourgoin, WAL), 10. Jonny  Sexton (Leinster, IRE), 11. Chris Ashton (Saracens, ENG), 12. Jamie Roberts (Cardiff, WAL), 13. Manu Tuilagi (Leicester, ENG), 14. Tim Visser (Glasgow, SCO), 15. Leigh Halfpenny (Cardiff, WAL)

Long Way Down

When Alexander the Great cut the Gordian Knot, it signalled that he would go on to conquer Asia.  If you believe everything you hear in the press, England beating the All Blacks could prove to be just as symbolic in world rugby.

Sceptics –i.e. anybody who isn’t an England rugby fan– will say the virus suffered by the All Blacks in the week leading up to the game led to sloppy play, missed tackles and, ultimately, their first loss in 21 games.

Sports scientists will tell you that in an era of ultra professionalism where everything you eat and drink is monitored to the nth degree, spending quality time hugging the toilet bowl isn’t the best preparation for a Test match. But who cares? Certainly not the England camp which has not so much papered over the cracks as convinced the world there were never any cracks to begin with.

Those who should be worried now are the players who will next face a haka fired by the pain of losing so convincingly at Twickenham. That pleasure is all France’s at Eden Park in June 2013. The All Blacks haven’t lost there since 1994, and Philippe Saint-André’s attempts to convince his team that their hosts would have forgotten about the extraordinary events of last Saturday might prove an exercise in futility.

If the All Blacks felt a little shown up in their final Test match of the year, then Wales were made to re-enact the Emperor’s New Clothes – four weekends on the bounce. Totally exposed by an inexplicable ability to win a single match, their final act in a Welsh jersey this year was to stand in a lopsided defensive line and (if you were being particularly cruel about some individuals) jog after a fast-disappearing Kurtley Beale. Those final seconds against the Wallabies encapsulated their autumn malaise: chasing shadows.

Paul Cully from the Sydney Morning Herald summed it up best when, in berating Australia for their supposedly lacklustre end-of-season tour, he acknowledged: “Fortunately, these Welsh are paralysed by a chronic lack of self-belief, as well as a few key injuries. Their ranking outside the world’s top eight does not insult them.”

The upcoming British Lions tour would have been given a significant shot in the arm had England and Wales done the double that weekend. Instead it was a solitary Red Rose that was suddenly in bloom.

Funny how one result changed the whole look of the Autumn Internationals.

* * *

WORLD CUP

Wales’s tough 2015 World Cup pool –so far, including Australia and England– might not prove to be so ominous. In 2007, New Zealand suffered the consequences of an easy group (Italy, Portugal, Romania and Scotland) when they were ambushed by a battle-hardened France in the quarter-finals in Cardiff. The French would also come back to haunt England in World Cup 2011, after Martin Johnson’s side had overcome a less-than-world-beating group of Argentina, Scotland, Georgia and Romania.

Wales as a nation is used to crippling defeats, but the reason we might not feel as bad as we could is that we know this is just a serious but fleeting hiccough on the road to greater things. This team isn’t as bad as, say, the Wales side of 1990/91, which failed to win a single game in two Five Nations competitions. In fact, they could prove themselves to be one of Wales’s greatest, provided they learn from what has been a catastrophic finish to the year.

HEINEKEN CUP

Before the Six Nations in February comes the chance for Welsh players to regain the form that saw them selected for their country in the first place. A bite at the southern hemisphere apple is gone, and they will go away and lick their wounds, but there are more tests to come for them in the form of the Heineken Cup.

Ospreys face Toulouse on consecutive weekends: a win in either fixture would show there is life in Welsh rugby yet. Similarly, Cardiff face Montpellier at home this weekend. Both Toulouse and Montpellier contain significant individuals from the French team, so the onus is on the available international players from Wales to show there is more life in them than the Autumn series suggested. Those men who have so far gone under Warren Gatland’s radar might also like to make themselves known if there are to be any Welsh bolters for the Six Nations.

THE SIX NATIONS

Three games stood out during this Autumn series that have given the Six Nations competition added significance: France destroying the Wallabies; Ireland arresting the development of the Pumas; and England recording maybe one of the biggest rugby upsets of the decade as they laid waste to the All Blacks.

Good news not just for those winning teams, but for the three countries now languishing in the bottom half of Europe’s premier rugby competition. With Wales, Scotland and Italy left trailing behind, there will now be more to gain from beating the top three (and England especially) than just bragging rights. Their underdog mindsets will be: if we humble England, we humble the team that beat the All Blacks. It happened in 2004 when Ireland hungered after the win against an England team still basking in the afterglow of winning the World Cup – and got it.

France can always be relied upon to regain some respect for the northern hemisphere when the Big Three arrive on European shores. Ireland too have shown they can mix it with the Aussies and the Saffers. England can now be added to that list.

* * *

IZZY: THE REAL LIONS WATCH

In news that seems to have taken everybody by surprise (particularly Parramatta Eels, the club that thought he would be signing for them), Australian rugby league wunderkind-cum-Aussie rules convert Israel Folau declared he had signed for the New South Wales Waratahs this week. That is, a rugby union team.

Still only a young pup of 23, and the youngest player ever to represent the Kangaroos, he has already made his riches on the back of a heap of natural talent. Along with his more obvious skills as a runner and ball-handler, the Waratahs coaches have commented that they would be crazy not to utilise Folau’s aerial abilities (cultivated not only in AFL, but in his time with the Brisbane Broncos in the NRL, where high balls are a crucial part of the game).

Folau was once a Mormon, but renounced his faith in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints last year. Jarryd Hayne, another league star and friend of Folau, is still a member. League fans are eagerly awaiting the return of one of their game’s brightest prospects, William Hopoate, who has taken a two years off to become a missionary for the Mormon Church before resuming his playing career with the Eels.

Now, Folau could prove to be a dud at union (he wasn’t exactly a breakout star in AFL, but he can be forgiven for not quite getting to grips with a game that most schoolchildren play in their lunchbreaks without actually realising it), but there is a strong belief it could be a case of all or nothing. His one-year contract suggests trepidation, but anybody who has seen him in action in the NRL realises that his is a rare talent.

* * *

Rugby league in Australia now faces a two-pronged attack by rugby union and AFL. The man appointed a couple of months ago to save its bacon is a former banker from Wales. Dave Smith from Pontypridd recently boasted: “I think I’ve got the best job in Australia.”  If he makes a good fist of it with the ARL, how soon before the WRU is making that long-distance call enquiring about ‘the next saviour of Welsh rugby’?

Building the Perfect Machine

We can say it: “Grand Slam”. The gilded Wales team of the 1970s won a trifecta of Grand Slams, but victory tomorrow for the class of 2012 would go some way to putting the spirit of that era to rest. While not quite being the albatross around modern Welsh players’ necks, the achievements of Gareth Edwards, JPR Williams et al has often been referred in clubhouses across the land with a suggestive air of ‘how could it all have gone so wrong?’

In light of recent Welsh performances in the Six Nations -sometimes in the gutter, sometimes in the stars- come Saturday afternoon, we might be asking ourselves where it all went so right. Ryan Jones, a resurrected force for his country, indicated that a Grand Slam this year would be a different beast to those he helped achieve in 2005 and 2008, mainly because it would be more a calculated accomplishment. Wales went into this competition as one of two frontrunners. The other side, whom they face at the Millennium Stadium tomorrow, are now out of the running.

But first there is the small matter of overturning those anomalous French. Yes, Wales’ recent record against France isn’t good (one from the past eight), but the last time we played them in this situation we won. With a new dawn of players from all countries, these cycle of results inevitably come to an end. In the knowledge that to say you nearly beat someone actually means that you lost, it is probably best to say that Wales should have beaten France at the World Cup. I certainly won’t be mentioning red cards any more (this sentence excluded).

It will be a shocker for the French if they fail to win a third match in a row in the Six Nations. I like to think I’m not beholden to statistics, but here’s a good one for those sports trivia buffs out there: France have only prevented an opponent from winning the Grand Slam on four occasions, back in 1954, 1965, 1982 and 1988. Let’s hope they don’t bring their party-pooping hats to a raucous Cardiff city centre tomorrow.

Six changes to his team smells like a desperate, last-ditch manoeuvre by Philippe Saint-Andre (apart from the enforced replacement of the injured Vincent Clerc, who was probably worried he might actually get hurt this time). Bringing in new players could theoretically inject some hunger and fresh impetus into the side. Alternately, it could be that they are throwing in some undercooked players to face a sizzling Welsh team.

Far be it from me to comment on who should be allowed to play international rugby, but am I the only one surprised to see that prop David Attoub is back in the side? This is the man who is returning from a 70-week ban after gouging Stephen Ferris’ eyes in a Heineken Cup match in December 2010. (His good form in the Top 14 is neither here nor there, in my opinion.) In an unhappy coincidence, his Stade Francais teammate Julien Dupuy also made a return to the French squad during this Six Nations. Former Leicester Tigers scrum-half Dupuy gouged Ferris during a separate incident in the same match (the footage is there for all to see) and received a 23-week ban. Maybe it’s part and parcel of French rugby to play with people’s eyes, but as the old argument goes: if that occurred on the street, somebody would get arrested.

Wales can take inspiration from the fighting talk of our nation’s 400m world champion runner Dai Greene. Greene, from Carmarthenshire, was astonishingly macho when commenting on US drug cheat and potential London Olympic rival LaShawn Merritt: “I’ll tell you now, I’ll happily go and find him at the start and tell him to his face: ‘You’re a cheat and you shouldn’t be here.’ I’ll be so motivated, so pumped up by his very presence in the race that I’d do anything I could to find myself up against him in the same leg of the relay, no matter what leg it would be.”

What fighting spirit. A Welsh rugby player would never dream of saying anything so confrontational, but that’s exactly how I imagine they will be feeling as they take to the field. The last time they faced the French, Vincent Clerc rolled on the ground like a worm to exacerbate a nothing situation, while I was astounded to see Sergio Parisse do something similar that resulted in Leigh Halfpenny’s yellow card last week. I hope France play the game in the correct spirit tomorrow, because rugby is rugby – not football.

Midi Olympique, the French rugby journal, has taken a pragmatic approach to Saturday’s game. I’ve spared you the shocking online translation (example: ‘the Red Devils seem to fly straight to the eleventh Grand Slam in their history. But are they untouchable so far? Not sure, because defects remain in their impenetrable armor alleged’), but the paper concedes that France will struggle to compete with the physicality of the Welsh backs, and should therefore seek other means to compete. However, they then quote Saint-Andre as saying that he is out to “beef up” his midfield, which would explain the return of Florian Fritz, who partners Aurelien Rougerie in the centre.

France fullback Clement Poitrenaud (who, if you saw the 2004 Heineken Cup final between Wasps and Toulouse, you will know is Wales assistant coach Rob Howley’s favourite player) has already proclaimed that his side are “not going to slaughter” against Wales. It should be pointed out here that it’s not really his choice, because the French backline showed moments of sheepishness in letting Manu Tuilagi and Tom Croft score two tries in their loss to England.

The French, according to the pokey-fingered Attoub, have nothing to save but their honour. Meanwhile, Wales are playing for outright glory and the right to be hailed Kings of Europe. In this instance, honour and nobility are two different things.

Those who still believe England are in with a mathematical shout of winning the tournament have got enough optimism to fill a self-help bookshelf. They need results to go their way, but with Ireland’s penchant for raising merry hell when playing the Red Rose, and Wales’ desire to get the Slam, they are out of touch and out of time (Hall and Oates, 1984).

More stats for you (I’ve started, so I’ll finish): Ireland have won the last eight of nine games with England, and have won at Twickenham in three of their last four visits. While stats aren’t crystal balls, Ireland relish these games with England like no other.

Even without the brilliant duo of Paul O’Connell and Brian O’Driscoll (of whom Donncha O’Callaghan, ever the wordsmith, said: “Sometimes you get a bit frustrated when Brian and Paul are out of the squad because some people seem to think you can’t tie your shoelaces without them”), Ireland can seriously derail any ephemeral English notions of truly being the fourth best side in the world.

I get the feeling that Declan Kidney has formulated a masterplan so groundbreaking that it poses a threat to the very fabric of the society of prawn sandwich-eating, Barbour-wearing, Land Rover-driving Twickenham enthusiasts.

Well, we can all dare to dream.

LOOKALIKES OF THE WEEK

When I first saw Clermont Auvergne winger Julien Malzieu warming up for a Heineken Cup match versus Leinster a few years ago, I really wanted it to be an infiltration by Bruno (alter ego of Sacha Baron Cohen), such was their similarity. I assume you know Bruno, the skimpily dressed muse of Austrian fashion designer Chrysler. He’s also the self-proclaimed “biggest Austrian superstar since Hitler”, but the less said about that the better.

As I’ve said before, I don’t blame the English for getting carried away with their victory over France: they needed a boost to their morale after recent results. What I do find irksome are comments such as those from Tom Croft to the Daily Mirror: “[Wales had] been talked about massively and we took them apart for most of the 80 minutes, but let it slip.”

To give you just a little taste of how Wales had the upper hand in that match at Twickenham: they were stronger at scrum time, they made three line breaks to England’s one, had a better tackle completion rate and -here’s the kicker- tore England apart with that scintillating Scott Williams try. Croft, one of the best blindside flankers in Europe, was actually playing in the game and so his opinion is compelling, but it’s probably one that should have been kept to himself as opposed to the Mirror, not a paper renowned for its love of rugby.

In all likelihood, England are going to be a quality team very soon, but lest we forget, France aren’t the best barometer of where they currently stand. This isn’t to take away from their jubilation at having beaten them in Paris (a remarkable achievement), but it was only six months ago that France lost to Tonga in the World Cup, falling off tackles in a similar capitulatory manner to that which was witnessed on Sunday.

Another player to rewrite history last weekend was Mirco Bergamasco, the Italian winger who seems to prefer starting fights than playing attacking rugby. In his post-match comments, he believed that Italy had kept in touch with Wales throughout his side’s 24-3 loss. Perhaps I should stress that last part: 24-3 LOSS. Such revisionism is slightly insulting to Wales, especially when you consider how little Italy set out to do in attack. Their defence was outstanding, of course, but to the detriment of actually scoring tries. All together now: boooring…

Tomorrow’s match is a significant stepping stone to bigger things for Wales. Having had the spoon of World Cup final ambrosia cruelly snatched from our mouths last year, this side is now creating its own nostalgia. They might also be saving their biggest performance for last in this year’s Six Nations. Win tomorrow and we can look forward to the possibility of taking an Australian scalp in the Suncorp Stadium in June. Do that and we will truly have gone where no Welsh rugby team has gone before.

Italy blue themselves for Wales

I know what you’re thinking: what? No clichés in the headline for this week’s blog? Forty-year-old Michael Caine films seem to get referenced by unimaginative copy editors every time either All Blacks fly-half Dan Carter (‘Get Carter’) or Italy (‘The Italian Job’) are playing. This ends now.

If Wales were playing away tomorrow, we’d be reading that ‘All roads lead to Rome’, so thankfully you’ve been spared that too. The Welsh public couldn’t have asked for a kinder penultimate game than Italy at home, before taking on the French next weekend. While the result against England was a little too close for comfort (we wouldn’t have it any other way), and tighter than I’d anticipated, the same should not be said for tomorrow.

You can’t talk about the Azzurri without paying homage to their captain Sergio Parisse: the only man, to my knowledge, who can get away with a hairline that’s receding quicker than the British economy. That Parisse is ever the talking point when it comes to Italian rugby is a sign of their reliance on him as everything from battering ram to playmaker. While that’s quite a derogatory statement to the rest of the team, it serves a point.

Parisse is every fantasy leaguer’s dream: he scores a lot of tries for a forward, and wins an embarrassment of Man of the Match awards. He accepts the latter mostly in defeat, and while more often than not they are deserved, you occasionally feel it’s a sympathy vote because the rest of his side have struggled to keep up to his high standards.

The signs of his frustration, or even disillusionment, at the lack of Italian progress were evident when he said in the run-up to tomorrow’s game: “Going to Cardiff to the Millennium Stadium against this team is probably something impossible for us.”

These aren’t just the banal words of a captain who’s playing down his team’s chances of winning in the hope of springing a surprise, because the facts are there for all to see: in 20 years, they’ve lost 54 of their 63 matches, with one draw. Tellingly, their away win success rate is an abysmal 3%. If they were a division six club, you’d probably tell them not to bother turning up on a Saturday morning.

Then you remember the upsets they’ve caused -beating France (2011), Wales (2003, 2007) and Scotland (three tries in the first six minutes in 2007!)- and how that feeling of joy would have been made all the more special because of all the hardship they’ve endured. Italy should be treated with caution, like a Labrador that once bit your elderly grandmother, but didn’t get put down because she probably smelled a bit funny and it frightened the dog. Yet there’s always that nagging feeling that it could bite again…

The hirsute tighthead prop Martin Castrogiovanni, the only other icon of modern Italian rugby, is out of tomorrow’s game with a broken rib. Parisse’s fellow back-rower Alessandro Zanni is quietly impressive, but it’s hard to deny that, overall, Italy are a team of plucky Terry Try-Hards. Before I face accusations of being overly patronising, I must that I don’t discount the possibility that the Italians could put up a good fight tomorrow – as shown in patches in their last three games.

(Aside: I once heard a story about an Italian who was being held hostage in Iraq. Hands bound and on the floor, he was about to be executed when suddenly he jumped up, shouting ‘An Italian doesn’t die on his knees!’ With that he bit one of his captors’ faces and jumped from a nearby window to his death. I’m not sure how true the story is, but the Italian team capture that spirit.)

Their lack of consistency is down to their weak player base. I say this because if Nick Mallett -one of the greatest international coaches in world rugby- couldn’t turn them into contenders, it is certainly not just a case of a bad game plan. More specifically, they are struggling to find a potent backline containing at least one world-class player, whereas Wales will arguably have five on the field on Saturday.

While Italy will be unable to replace the brilliant Castrogiovanni, Wales can afford to add another four stars to their matchday squad.
Hooker Matthew Rees, second row Luke Charteris, scrum-half Rhys Webb and openside Justin Tipuric all get the opportunity to hop on board HMS Resurgence (destination: Grand Slam?).

Rees makes his first start since agonisingly missing out on captaining Wales at the World Cup to undergo neck surgery. His regional understudy, Ken Owens, returns to the bench having played a part in defeating England at Twickenham. The switch could be seen as quite harsh, but Gatland clearly feels the need to get his Lions front row back together with immediate effect.

Luke Charteris, once known only for being close to seven foot tall, is now what Tony Soprano would call a ‘made man’ – his World Cup performances boosting his stocks and shares dramatically. What should have been Lloyd Williams’ big opportunity to shine at nine has been robbed due to a thigh strain, and in comes Osprey Rhys Webb, between whom I predict the jersey will be fought for years to come.

I’ve been singing Justin Tipuric’s praises for a long time. When I first saw him, I thought he reminded me slightly of Alice the Goon from Popeye (especially with those long levers of his), but he’s worked such similarities to his advantage. His style of play at openside is exciting, and he is one of the players to keep an eye out for this weekend. James Hook also returns to the bench, having recovered from chickenpox (an old-fashioned sort of sickness that made a friend of mine wonder if polio was making a comeback too).

When you couple the strength of Wales’ pack with the absence of Castrogiovanni, the foundations are already there for a convincing conquest; possibly even a thrashing, which Wales have rarely achieved in the Six Nations.

If England prevail in Paris on Sunday -not an unlikelihood given their propensity for beating the French; they have won four in the last five- it could be that France arrive at the Millennium Stadium having drawn and lost their last two games. But I’m not sure which is more dangerous: a French side that’s been humbled, or a French side still scenting a tournament victory.

You can only feel sorry for England scrum-half Danny Care: another run-in with police, this time for being caught urinating on the steps of a hotel. The average British twentysomething male (and sometimes, shockingly, female) on a night on the town has invariably peed in public at one point or another. That’s not to say that it’s right to do so, but it’s an inevitable aspect of life, like refugee sob stories on The X Factor or Adam Sandler making a rubbish family film. Care was unfortunate that he was caught by police in the act of relieving himself.

Some might chastise him for drinking at all after his previous indiscretions -if that’s indeed what he had been doing, in light of his protestations that he just had ‘a small bladder’- but in Care’s line of work, it’s long been accepted that going ‘out out’ is the best way to switch off.

It’s much to these young rugby players’ chagrin that they’re expected to be role models at an age when they’re also meant to be having the most fun. It’s less acceptable to be falling out of nightclubs in your late thirties, so we can’t blame young rugby stars for wanting to live the high life while they can.

I’ve already mentioned in a previous blog how poorly behaved some Australian rugby league players have been portrayed but, surprisingly, the American “national sport” of baseball boasts some seriously naughty boys. As depicted in the brilliant book The Bad Guys Won! A Season of Brawling, Boozing, Bimbo Chasing with […] the 1986 Mets, the Rowdiest Team Ever to Put on a New York Uniform – and Maybe the Best (it lives up to its title, don’t worry) by Jeff Pearlman, the New York Mets took misbehaviour to another level.

These men (including Darryl Strawberry, whom many of us know from one of the greatest ever episodes of The Simpsons) now seem like evil prototypes for modern day nutters such as Mario Balotelli. One memorable scene depicts the team flying back to New York on a chartered jet. Where before such travel arrangements had seen two players (one being Strawberry) exposing themselves to fellow passengers, this one turned into a riot:

“Sisk, Orosco and Heep. They were the Three Musketeers of the Mets, only this trio was as dashing as a scrum of street rats. Their collective nickname was the ‘Scum Bunch,’ and it fit perfectly. By day they were mild-mannered baseball players. But by night, watch out. The Scum Bunch ran the back of the plane on team flights, holding drink-a-thons and sometimes, as a result, puke-a-thons. And now the wives were here, equally indulgent but unfamiliar with the effects of getting wasted thirty-five thousand feet above ground.”

What follows involves a mass food fight, cocaine being snorted in the toilet, and the players’ wives throwing up in the seat pockets. All in all, the jet was a write-off (“the innards of the craft being layered in food, three rows of broken seats had to be completely removed.”)

“Half the team exited wearing T-shirts and ties. Sisk wore one shoe. Fans who had waited for hours at Kennedy Airport to greet the team were shocked by what they saw. ‘To have the wives in their snazzy North Beach Leather outfits, covered in vomit, it didn’t make for a pretty picture,’ says Mets pitcher Ron Darling. ‘We were gross.'” (I wonder if the Glyn Williams bus company has ever experienced such merry shenanigans?)

I had the good fortune of interviewing Pearlman, a New York Times bestselling author, a couple of years ago. This was around the time that Tiger Woods had begun his fall from grace, and I asked him if he felt sports fans had a right to know about their idols’ misdemeanours. “Just because someone’s famous doesn’t mean everything he does has to be public,” Pearlman replied. “That’s ludicrous. We’ve become way too voyeuristic, probably because we’re bored with our own lives. Tiger Woods cheating on his wife is sad and pathetic and he should be ashamed, but it impacts me not one iota.”

Danny Care peeing on some hotel steps is put into perspective by such actions as those allegedly committed by another of the New York Mets’ rogues’ gallery, left fielder Kevin Mitchell. His teammate Dwight Gooden wrote in his autobiography that Mitchell once decapitated his girlfriend’s cat during an argument.

All is forgiven, Danny.

LIFE IMITATING ART

Photographs can be misleading, and none more so than the one depicting Wales centres Jamie Roberts and Scott Williams in a seemingly amorous clinch after beating England two weeks ago.

Pseudo-psychologist, Germaine Greer-types have called rugby ‘homoerotic’. They probably assume this on the basis of seeing the odd pat on the bum, but is there a more heartening sight than two men who’ve been through physical hell giving each other a hug at the end of it all?

Rugby, unlike football, doesn’t merit 24-hour news coverage. There are no mid-season transfers and (thankfully) no surfeit of unsavoury characters making tabloid journos happy. So checking the latest rugby news is a bit like reading a local village paper: i.e. it’s full of non-stories. That’s what sprang to mind upon hearing the news that Wales won’t be able to play any of the top tier nations at the Millennium Stadium in the 2015 Rugby World Cup.

The big dogs are rumoured to be upset that a much-improved Wales might end up playing them with home advantage, where before they had no such qualms. Whether the apparent friction is down to financial benefits or just the edge it gives to Wales on the field, it looks like they’ll be playing their big games in the host nation, England. And why not? We’d be annoyed if the World Cup was held in Italy, but we then had to play France in Paris.

We might also do well to remember the nightmare World Cup in 2007 when, in his first start, Berrick Barnes inspired the Wallabies to victory over Wales at -you guessed it- the Millennium Stadium.

I haven’t been actively seeking the words ‘Grand Slam’ lately, but while flipping through a copy of The Viz (the classic British comic of toilet humour), that very phrase jumped out at me. In their dictionary of ‘degenerate definitions’, Grand Slam takes on a whole new meaning:

“grand slam. n. In the world of salad dodging, the fabled achievement of enjoying the holy quartet of takeaway meals in one day: McDonald’s for breakfast, Kentucky Fried Chicken for lunch, Burger King for tea and a dodgy kebab on the way home from the pub.”

Which leads me to wonder: why didn’t Mike Phillips tell those bouncers at McDonald’s that he was going for the Grand Slam? (This also leads me to wonder not only about the hierarchy of bouncing -“You’ll see, Ma, one day I’ll be working the doors at Halfords!”- but how drunk and unruly must you be to get turned away from a fast food restaurant which is open at 3am to cater exclusively to drunk and unruly customers?)

Grand Designs

I don’t know what will age the human body quicker: smoking ten packs of fags a day, or watching Wales play England at Twickenham. As predicted, Wales came out of the blocks as if they’d been slurping on rocket fuel during the warm-up. They dominated every facet of the game for a short period. When Mike Phillips cleverly popped the ball inside to George North on the English 22-metre line, a try looked certain. For a moment, it was England fullback Ben Foden’s worst nightmare realised as he watched the genetic behemoth from the north come thundering at him. Somebody up there was smiling at Foden, because David Strettle came roaring across the field to give North’s ankle ‘a little tappy’ (as Happy Gilmore would have it) which put a halt to the attack. Foden’s shorts remained white, for the time being.

Strettle was in great form for England, with and without the ball, which only served to highlight the metaphorically absent Chris Ashton. What has happened to Ashton in the time between scoring twice against Wales in 2011’s reverse fixture, and now? Statistics show he had his hands on the ball more than most, but you’d be hard pressed to remember when (besides passing it desperately to Sam Warburton). Early last year, his former Wigan teammate Kris Radlinski claimed that Ashton was “rewriting” the role of the rugby union winger. Maybe he is, but going by Saturday’s performance, he seems to be doing so using crayons on a toilet wall. Peaks and troughs, I suppose.

Wales certainly didn’t appear to be peaking on Saturday, but their errors don’t constitute a trough either. They won at Twickenham for only the second time in 24 years with their fly-half in the sin bin at one vital stage of the game. That they outplayed an inspired England during this period (as we knew they could, following that red card against France not so long ago) is a tribute to the higher ground they have reached through the guidance of their coaches.

Before I forget to mention it, England were very good. At one point, a draw seemed the best-case scenario for Wales, 12-6 down and with Rhys Priestland yellow-carded. The cool showing of Owen Farrell means he is now drawing comparisons (perhaps prematurely) to Jonny Wilkinson, which is probably making Toby Flood nervously readjust his collar. We all know Brad Barritt’s defence is immaculate, although he has yet to show the attacking instinct of Jonathan Davies, who is at the beating heart of Wales.

They gave Welsh fans real moments of panic when Wales were on the back foot. The architect of England’s fast-paced attack was scrum-half Lee Dickson’s tap penalties; the irony being that he could also have been the architect of his side’s downfall, taking an eternity at the back of the rucks instead of delivering quick ball. Initially, it appeared to be a tactical ruse to allow the English to realign, but upon re-watching the match, there is one passage where Chris Robshaw is evidently screaming for the ball, dangerously close to his own try line. By the time the ball had reached him, not only had our clothes gone out of fashion, but it was Wales who had realigned and swarmed the English captain for a penalty. This may have been why coach Stuart Lancaster replaced Dickson for Ben Youngs just past the hour mark. Another replacement, second row Courtney Lawes, was to experience an even worse 20 minutes than Youngs.

Scott Williams, on for the injured inside centre Jamie Roberts, is still something of an unknown quantity to the wider rugby world. All they need knows is: this boy can play. Williams was instrumental in stopping another England charge-down try, this time by Mouritz Botha. Realistically, if Wales had lost the match, we would be dwelling on the moment he chose to ignore two support men outside him for an easy run-in as a factor in the loss (instead running into the deceptively strong Ben Foden). But Wales didn’t lose, and when Williams chose to grab the bull by the horns -probably not just a metaphor, because he’s from farming country- and stripped Lawes of the ball for a chip-and-chase try on 76 minutes, one nation leapt, while another wept.

At 19-12 to Wales, it wasn’t quite over. In the last play of the game, Strettle received a pass from Mike Brown with what should have been enough space and time to touch down for a tough conversion for the returning -and nervous-looking- Toby Flood. But here came the heroic Leigh Halfpenny, rattling his brain throwing himself at Strettle; Jonathan Davies showed judo strength to turn the winger over; and George North was clever in burrowing his hands under the ball at the right moment.

If I was English, I would doubtless say it was a try. But I’m not, and it wasn’t. Referee Steve Walsh blew the whistle for full-time: Wales had won.

It takes one hell of a forward effort to win at Twickenham, which is why it will rate as one of the finest wins of these players’ careers thus far. Rarely does an England scrum go backwards, but that happened more than once on Saturday. It wasn’t all one-way traffic, and Wales fought for every inch of the field with England’s Tom Croft, Chris Robshaw and Geoff Parling defending as if their lives depended on it. England props Alex Corbisiero and Dan Cole won’t find many tougher opponents than Adam Jones and Gethin Jenkins. Wales are truly lucky to have them.

Wales hooker Ken Owens showed the passionate performance that typifies the embarrassment of riches Warren Gatland has at hooker. To be a supposed fourth choice in your position and to win at Twickenham on your first start is something else. It was a day he probably never wanted to end.

Remember when Wales’ second row was going to be Alun Wyn Jones and Ian Evans for years to come? We had a glimpse of what that would be like on Saturday as the Ospreys teammates went some way to fulfilling their potential as partners in the engine room. Injuries and other factors had deprived them both of the opportunity to do so until now, but Evans is back on track, ready to make up for lost time.

Finally, the back row of Sam Warburton, Toby Faletau and Dan Lydiate. They might just have learnt more in this game at ‘HQ’ than during any other match in their fledgling careers. While England quite rightly deserved plaudits for stopping Wales getting over the gainline, the Welsh trio were vital in containing the threat of Tuilagi (hats off to Warburton’s try-saver here) and co, while their scramble defence was exemplary – especially when Dickson’s tap-and-go’s threatened to carve Wales up. Any way you look at this Welsh pack, it is special.

Victory for England might have been just as much a victory for the English press. I can’t remember a time when an English rugby team has been so widely written off during the Six Nations. But in heaping praise on Wales -grudgingly, by some notable former England players- they had given themselves room into which a new view on English rugby could be manoeuvred, because England were never going to play as badly as they had in Italy or Scotland.

The coverage following the match was centred on England’s improvement rather than Wales’ win. (Wales, lest we forget, had just won the first ever Triple Crown at Twickenham.) The reasons are obvious, given that all the major publications are based in London, and their readership is predominantly English, but the newspapers have done well to keep the English populace in line with their views. Very clever indeed.

Wales face Italy on March 10th, which allows extra recovery time for those players nursing injuries. The question still remains as to how many changes, if any, Warren Gatland will make. Some might see sense in giving players such as openside Justin Tipuric and scrum-half Lloyd Williams a run-out against the Azzurri.

Warburton might be given a spot on the bench, while Mike Phillips could be one of the many Welsh players who has earned a rest. The likes of Tipuric and Williams are hungry for game time and the chance to impress, which could prove advantageous in what should be the easiest match of the tournament, but where the win will still have to be worked for.

I had anticipated centre Ashley Beck getting his first cap at some point in this Six Nations, especially with Jamie Roberts in desperate need of some respite after the brutal nature of his game. After Scott Williams’ match-winning display at Twickenham, however, I imagine Beck will have to wait. That is, unless Gatland makes a wholesale midfield change, but there seems little chance or need to disrupt Wales’ formations.

This isn’t to play down Italy’s chances, but it would take a Welsh nosedive out of the Unlucky Tree and hitting every branch on the way down for the Italians to emerge victorious against a Welsh side that has already won in Dublin and Twickenham.

Best Failed Drug Test Story of the Week:

Stories about rugby players getting banned are rarely humorous (unless it’s the one about John Hopoate and his thumb, which you can Google at your own discretion), but one such tale I heard recently made me chuckle.

An international rugby team in Europe had one of its players called up to take a random drugs test. Fully aware that he had been smoking marijuana ‘on the reg’ in the past couple of weeks, he decided to hatch a scheme that might just have been crazy enough to work – if this was an episode of Scooby Doo.

Instead of attending the drugs test, he decided to send his brother (not a twin, but still uncannily similar, and also a player) in his place.

The magnificent/devastating part of the story is, they would have gotten away with it if some pesky member of their team’s management hadn’t caught wind of the situation and shopped both of them in. Needless to say, both have now received lengthy bans. Does this mean they’re weeding out the drug cheats?

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